59.
Ilkley and surrounding dales of that Ilk,
Simon Gough and Nova Dudley had decided
that it would be a good idea for them to show Dave and I where their
forthcoming nuptial bash would be held, so we went up to Yorkshire to have a
look. Dave and I drove up on the Friday night, and deciding to reward ourselves
with our rapid progress took junction 30 of the M1 and went a mile or so up the
road to the small town of
The next day we started off early and got
in Nova's car (driven by Simon because Nova had burnt her hand making a cake a
few days before and had to walk around with it covered in cream and hermatically sealed in a bag though this did not impair
drinking ability). After having a scenic drive along some Postman Pat type
lanes, we pulled into the New Inn at Appletreewick.
This was a pub straight out of Heartbeat, probably on the moors where Mods would go for a pint. It was a nice light pub with a
linoleum floor and various people enjoying a few pints. From a boys' perspective,
the beer was superb, comprising not only exceptional Wharfdale
Executor, Daleside and John Smiths, but also trappist and fruit beers on tap,
and an extensive selection of Belgian bottles. Nova's orange juice was a little
disappointing though... The walls too were covered in maps directed at walkers,
though there was a set of photos including a bloke with glasses and a false
nose in the shape of a pair of tits, obviously from a joke shop. A good start
to the day, recorded in the slightly strange photo below, perhaps because I was
leaning backwards at the time.
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Barely had we had time to get our
seatbelts on when the next pub loomed up in Appletreewick.
This was an even more rustic establishment with flagstone floor and oak beams
and such like, called the Craven Arms. A jolly man with glossy hair offered us
beer. In the Summer the choices are greater, but on
this occasion we satisfied ourselves with a set of very nice pints which nearly
go full marks - Tetley, Moorhouse Pendle
Witches' Brew and Black Sheep Bitter. There was also a magnificent array of bar
snacks including Pot Noodle, pickled eggs and assorted sweets and crisps which
especially pleased sweet-lover Nova.
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The Red Lion, Burnsall,
is where the Goughs intend to have their big day, and
with an adjacent river it certainly is picturesque, and whilst they were
checking out the function room, Dave and I got down to the serious matter of
sampling some beer. It was a busy and quite foody
pub, but fortunately it had not lost any of its charms. Beer was still above
average, being a choice between Timothy Taylor Best, Old Speckled Hen, Theakston’s Best and Folly Ale..
The foody nature of the pub meant that the bar snacks
were not that good and I also have a complaint to make about the toilets,
namely that the light was broken and the temporary candle had gone out when I
paid a visit although fortunately the sound of piss on metal was a reassuring
sign that I had aimed correctly.
The pub below is the splendidly
picturesque Fountaine at Linton which again had a good
selection of ales - Black Sheep, Tetley, John Smiths and Landlord. It was very
traditional in its interior with Olde Englishe Script depicting the snug area and other things. A
lot of elderly people were having a gentle lunch in there which seemed like a
splendid idea. Popcorn appeared amongst the bar snacks. A great deal of the
seats looked as though they had been church pews at one point. Again, well worth a visit.
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The small town of Grassington
was the next port of call, and the next pub was the least good that we had been
in all day. The Black Horse hotel on the square is OK, but it took us a while
to get served. Even though the beer was good - Black Sheep, John Smiths, Tetleys, Old Peculier
- it was expensive, and the atmosphere in which we were to drink it was rather
sterile. The pancakes were also rather expensive, and Nova complained that the
cocktail of Rum and Ginger ale was rank, although she had unwisely ordered it
herself. Our spirits were lifted in the Foresters Arms next door. Much more of
a range was apparent - Tetley Mild, Tetley World Champion, Tetley Bitter, Folly
Ale, Landlord and Tim Taylor Best - and they served up a decent pint at a
decent price. The toilets were also majestic, 'half cube' ones as recognised by Dave, and they are featured below. Unlike the
last pub, this one is probably very important in the community as there were
various sporting societies linked to it, as testified by the boards on the
wall.
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On the way out of Grassington,
we stopped at the Spar for some solids and noted a 'Humped Zebra' Crossing sign
which was also amusing.
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Off to the Angel at Hetten
as Simon propelled us along the lanes. We arrived and managed to blag a couple of halves - Simon
and Nova were talking to the French barman about it being a possible wedding
venue. Dave and I had moderate halves which were on the slightly pricey side.
The choice was good though, Folly Ale, Landlord, Skipton Green Dragon and Brakspear
(how did that get there?). Again it was a rustic pub, but it had an uneasy
atmosphere that it might soon turn into a bistro. The toilets were superb
though.
Heading back into civilization took us to Addingham, where Simon queued manfully at the bar of the
Crown in order to blend in with the other locals whilst we waited for our
halves of (overpriced) Tetley, as there was no other beer on. The surroundings
were actually quite pleasant and there are a lot of smaller rooms with various
ornaments hither and thither. A rugby team, in blazers, was in the next pub in Addingham which was the Fleece. It had a slightly more trendy feel and the beer was a bit more varied although
mine tasted distinctly substandard. Choices were Black Sheep, Tetley and
Landlord though, so nothing inspired. It was quite packed, so we decided to
leave quickly, to go to Simon's house where his mum had kindly supplied a stew to
galvanize us for the next part of the crawl.
Simon's mate William joined us for the
evening session, and Simon himself also started playing catchup
as he had been driving in the afternoon. First stop was the Ilkley
Moor Vaults, a Mr Q's pub colloquially known as the
'Taps' selling Tetleys on draught. Typical Mr Q's really, so the less said the better. Our barmaid
looked like something from the 1980s. We made our way next to the Riverside
Hotel, a marvellous place to drink, much better than
a regular hotel bar although retaining a satisfying hint of this character. Sam
Smiths, Skipton Copper Dragon and Tetleys
were available, and Simon and I used these to wash down some very nice pork
scratchings available from the bar, whilst the others looked on in disgust. The
beer was cheap and reasonably nice tasting.
Ilkley has its own meatmarket
called the Crescent where we popped in for one. The atmosphere is however quite
nice and relaxed unlike the awful clubs you see and it actually had some beer
in the shape of Black Sheep and Tetley. And apparently the ladies' toilet had
Michael Bolton music playing. The Yard is a new establishment, and was heaving
with punters trying it out. We managed to get to the bar to order some
Spitfire, the only proper beer on.
Final new pub was the Bar Tat on the
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Anyway, we though that it was time to stop
but Simon gleefully announced that the Crescent was still open so we though
that it would be a shame not to have another look inside. Still
just as friendly. So that concludes the Ilkley
trip, all in all a very worthwhile excursion!
Dan
Lovegrove
dan@doctor-lovegrove.com
Last updated 22nd March 2004.