55. Haydon's Road and Collier's Wood (for a third time...), Friday 2nd January 2004

The first crawl of 2004 was the traditional Haydon's Road and Collier's Wood crawl with Richard Bradshaw, slightly modified from last year as it started in Wimbledon (on account that I had to get back from the Abba musical Mamma Mia quick sharp). We kicked off in the Prince of Wales opposite Wimbledon station. This had pleasingly improved since the last time that I was here although there is still a chronic lack of chairs, in its dark, wooden panelled, high ceilinged, South London boozer interior. Noted improvements include an impressive array of real beer. We were spoilt for choice and in the end I plumped for Sneck Lifter, though I could easily have been just as tempted by their Theakston's Old Peculier and Best, Young's Bitter and Special, Courage Best and Greene King IPA.

Staying in Wimbledon, we went to Bar Sia, the place by the theatre which had previously been a bit shit. This time saw a marked improvement and although there was no beer, it seemed like a lively enough place with a decent crowd of youngsters filling its rather minimalist interior. There were hundreds of bar staff, some of whom were ‘beautiful people’, and this was echoed by the clientele. The toilets were most impressive, with the tiling being in the style of a classic London Underground station. A bit pricey, but well worth an evening visit. A brisk stroll through the back streets to more familiar territory followed, and we soon found ourselves at the Horse and Groom on Haydon's Road, which had not improved since our last visit. Once again the barmaid didn't serve any real beer, and the place can seem a bit empty if you're not right up by the bar. I bolted my Tetley's and hoped for a better venue. Alas it was not to be as we walked into the Marquis of Lorne, which is a gay pub. Some stereotypically Village People types were drinking, complete with moustaches and tight tops revealing that they were quite wirey bastards who you wouldn't want to meet in the gents, and waiting for the disco to liven the place up. It could do with a boisterous crowd in there too as it's quite a dingy hole when you concentrate on the interior. Yet again no beer, so we had no incentive to dwell longer than necessary, and I had no wish to re-mark the toilets, doing them from memory instead.

The Sultan is a pub selling Hopback products and should be excellent, but for some reason does not quite live up to expectations, even though its interior is pleasant. Perhaps it's just a little too quiet, or old-manish to appeal to the younger generation, or perhaps because the interior is smart pine dining room chairs rather than soppy old sofas that you can settle into round the edges of the pub. Even so, it's still streets ahead of some of the shitholes that I have frequented before. And if you want beer, they've certainly got it: on our visit they had Summer Lightning, GFB, Entire Stout and excellent (and reasonably priced) Winter Lightning. GJ's on the other hand, situated on the main Collier's Wood drag, had no beer, but had a couple of barmaids and a lively clientele. It's a smart, dark wooden pub with an island bar and fine bar side stools with good views. They even have bouncers on the door!

I couldn't remember the Royal Standard very well this time, mainly on account that it had no beer. It's a pub which often looks cluttered, particularly when filled with Christmas decorations, but it's OK. We sat down with some toothless old men, and I think we were watching wrestling on the TV, though for some reason I've written 'Tammy Wynette' in my notes. Hmm. Opposite the terminus of the 470 bus, one finds the Venus, a new wine bar type of place that also does food, a little like All Bar One. Not sure why such a hostelry is found in this sort of place but there you go. There weren't many people in there when we tried it, nor beer or snacks, and the gents' was just a single cubicle! There was a barmaid who we coined the phrase ‘Whigfield’s daughter’ for, presumably because this is what she would look like. Yet I'd still consider a repeat visit (assuming it stays open...)

Last time we went in the Victory, a pissed twat was abusing his missus. None of that this time, but we still stood for a longer time than hoped at a bar which didn't do any beer. It was not a partucularly special pub, very average, and I think the toilets were dodgy before. We drank up quickly and left. Last year, the Royal Six Bells was closed, but it has had a huge makeover this year and relaunched itself to a more trendy set of punters as the Riverside. Trendy sorts were drinking there, and I can only assume that the entire place was gutted in order to fit in the renovations - for example the only trace of the former bar is the raised drinking area, and the toilets have migrated upstairs. Fortunately we were served Spitfire which tasted quite nice as we listened to some live music.

Enough of that, and off to the King's Arms, next to Merton Bus Garage and a de rigeur South London pub, complete with high ceiling. I know what constitutes a South London pub, though it's quite difficult to put into words. I suppose having a large bar area, which whilst not being completely open, has sub-areas with a scattering of tables and chairs, maybe the odd pillar to hold the roof up. Quite a bit of dark wood inside too, and maybe some function rooms also. Raggedy locals leaning against the bar. Needing a bit of a kick up the arse. Young's beer, but not a good selection. Not an estate pub though, more often found on main roads in places like Streatham. That sort of thing. On this visit, we had the choice of Winter Warmer, Special and Bitter, served by a barman who appeared somewhat pissed, so I only gave him 1 out of 2. But at least there were plenty of seats. The comment 'original Caravan of Love' by Isley Jasper Isley is written - perhaps it was on the jukebox? Worst pub of the evening was the Lord Nelson, an empty establishment with no redeeming features. There wasn't even any Guinness on, crap toilets, and we had to be let out by the barman. Maybe it fills up - I wonder when? And with whom?

Another new place was the Piano Lounge across the road set up in a shop unit, though there was no beer (expensive bottles only). It sets itself up as a trendy wine bar and to be fair if that is what you were looking for then it is OK. But we were looking for real beer. Alas it was not to be in the Kilkenny Tavern, a scruffy Irish pub with no real beer by South Wimbledon tube. Still hats off as they do at least have a bit of live music and stay open till about midnight as we were informed by a friendly bar maid. In terms of real beer the end of the crawl was a bit of a let-down, but at least a few pubs have already been done in 2004.

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Dan Lovegrove
dan@doctor-lovegrove.com

Last updated 12th January 2004.