36. Embarrassing spillages in Harborne, West Midlands, Saturday 9th August 2003

Dave and I had been invited to see old pal Ed Lewis who had just moved into a rather nice flat in a posh suburb of Birmingham, Harborne. We set off on Saturday lunchtime for a rendezvous at 1.20. By 1.30 we were leaving the flat for the first pub. This was the seemingly dire Wacky Warehouse chained pub the Old House at Home. However we couldn't see the playground/beer garden so we weren't too against it. As it transpired it was one of the more expensive pubs of the day, but Birmingham beer is cheap, so we didn't realise it at the time as we supped our Tetley/Pedigree.

An investigative detour led us to the Courtoak, a building which had the look of a sprawling estate pub but in fact had a very luxurious beer garden with plenty of tables. Inside had a hint of the chain pubs about it, but the cold Mitchell and Butler (MB) Mild was excellent, as was the MB Brew XI. Pedigree and Bass were all available too, and prices were noted as 'cheap as chips'. Another estate pub on a roundabout beckoned. This was the Scarlett Pimpernell, and was far worse, and we were served by a man with a weird waistcoat and a stammer. We retired to the dingy beer garden out back to quickly finish our MB Mild and Brew XI before heading for somewhere better, we hoped.

And lo! we found it, up the hill and past a golf course on a leafy corner was the Bell, a very old fashioned pub set next to a churchyard, and having its own irregularly shaped bowling green. It was absolutely sweltering as we sat down, as there were no free shaded tables, but the beer was good, and strangely for a Brummie pub had London Pride, Greene King IPA and MB Mild on pissflow. A couple of barmaids served us as we sat in the sun, all in all in splendid surroundings. A word of warning - the bar is quite pokey, but the snug has its own hatch for drinks service which is very convenient in the winter.

Strolling through the churchyard, we arrived at the Harborne Cricket Club, who were playing Leamington. This managed to get the highest score ever for a pissflow pub, with excellent chilled pints of Banks and Pedigree in the kegs. Behind the bar was a young madame, who not only pulled pints, but also dispensed a vast array of snacks. We consumed our pints whilst sitting in plastic chairs watching the match. Bliss! Leaving the cricket and making our way into the middle of Harborne, the pub of choice was the New Inn for the football scores. Whilst waiting for them we had our halves whilst watching some more bowls on an irregular shaped pitch though this was next to a car showroom so lacked some class. Cheap again, but the bar snacks and staff were not up to scratch; neither were the beers - Banks Original and Bitter and Pedigree.

Reputedly the last Firkin in the country, we entered the Farrow and Firkin which is an absolute toilet. The beer was only £1.48 but it was wank (keg Tetleys). The pub was also too loud and populated by tattooed aggravated punters, in fact there were no redeeming features, so we supped up and left it, the bag o'shite. Another pub lacking beer was the Vine, a kind of rough looking Wetherspoons affair with huge amounts of wasted space and fizzy lagers. Dave was the first spillage of the day in here, though as it was lager it didn't matter. A few more points were due though because it had air conditioning. We were in the garden however. Time for a greasy chip shop interval before on with the crawl!

After chips, we found yet another beer-less pub, the Harborne branch of O'Neill's, which did a variety of keg products which I could not be arsed to list at the time at inflated prices. Whoopee. So we tried the next pub, the Varsity, which had no less than 10 ale pumps. However, Banks’ Original was on them all and was off that evening (though this might have been due to the refurbishment), and we instead had to have some pissflow. One highlight however was the sex toys machine in the gents' which vended vibrators. I wonder what the ladies sold. Otherwise no special features - typical town centre Ben Sherman shirt wearers' pub. At last some real ale! The White Horse did not disappoint, and we stayed for a whole pint served by a sweaty milking wench. Our choice was Broadside, a little heavy for the temperature but nice, though we could have had Abbot, Tetley, Greene King IPA or Pedigree on draught. Because of withdrawal symptoms of real beer we had to have a full pint each. Nice decor in the pub too, old fashioned.

Back to the crap pubs though and the Sportsman around the back of Marks and Spencers. Not a lot of beer on (Bass and some pissflow mild) and it was absolutely scorchio in there. We were served by a plump sweaty pink ginger man with the glasses falling off his head, but not before an embarrassing spillage where one of the locals had spilt a bottle of Stella all over the bar. Otherwise not so good, the sort of place where the elderly get put out to pasture. A much more lively pub followed. The Green Man looked a little bit of a lush pub but there was at least enough talent in there to keep us happy. The beer was also good - Bass, London Pride, Brew XI and Spitfire - in terms of price and taste. Our marks were coloured by the fact that we managed to get some very fine armchairs to flop into. All in all, pleasantly surprising.

Next was the trendier Plough which was just as good even though it had less beer which was only on pissflow. It was notable on two counts. 1) Ed had the third spillage, most of a pint all over the table, but a quick witted Chinaman with a roll of kitchen towel soon dealt with that. 2) I quite fancied the barmaid, the ginger/blonde one who had a very nice demeanour and was giving me the eye on more than one occasion. But no joy there. We were starting to feel that we'd had a few too many, so we went to our final haunt, the Harborne Stores. This was a spartanly decorated pub with no special beer or bar snacks, served by a twat in a Burberry hat. The thing that we recall was that there was a pissed old man with a big beard who poured us a glass of wine after last orders. Oh and an annoying kid milling around.

The next day, after watching the Charity Shield, Dave and I decided that some refreshment was in order at the Falkland Arms in Great Tew seeing as we were passing by. And what a splendid pub! Seven beers - Cornish Rebellion, Lamorak, Hook Norton Haymaker, Hopback Thunderstorm, Henry's IPA, 6X and Summersault - plus a weird cider ensured a good stay. A magnificent array of bar snacks including pipe tobacco and snuff is also available, and the bar itself is one of the quaintest timber beamed places you'll see. An absolute must to visit. A further stop took us to the Tite Inn in Chadlington, where again the range was good - silly cider, Tite Bitter, Port Stout, Young's Special and Schiehallion. The bar was less quaint and appeared more plush, the type of place where you could mooch about in carpet slippers. Again a tremendous place to drink. City centre Birmingham may beckon next time - pint of Banks anyone?

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Dan Lovegrove
dan@doctor-lovegrove.com

Last updated 19th August 2003.