38. More in Epsom and Ewell, mainly crap, Thursday 4th September 2003

Well, not entirely Epsom and Ewell, this crawl kicks off in Mallorca. Coming back from my holiday, I decided to calm preflight nerves with a quick scoop from the El Molino bar at the Gate C area at Palma airport (note that this isn't the small unnamed bar) which in typical airport style was very expensive and almost fast food in its presentation.

Back in Blighty I collected a message from Richard Bradshaw instructing me that some beers were in order that evening, and the chosen crawl was Epsom/Ewell to make use of the recently much improved at the bequest of Ken Livingston 293 bus. However we kicked off in the Wetherspoons at North Cheam for a swifty to calm the nerves before a 293 bus journey. Meeting at 7.25 I was confronted by a big queue and so had to bolt a half of Tom Woods Bomber which was dreadful and tasted like substandard Courage. I should have elected for Mutley's Revenge instead (other choices being Abbot, Directors, Tanglefoot, Spitfire, Courage Best, Old Bob and Old Thumper), and indeed nearly got one in as a chaser, but service was glacially slow and time was marching on, so I decided not too. Which was just as well as the 7.42 bus rocked up 4 minutes early.

Alighting from the 293, our first stop was the Vestry (formerly Epsom's Litten Tree). I wanted to hate the place but in fact it wasn't that bad even though it only had Courage on draught. There were also some interesting lagers for the inevitable Ben Sherman shirted set of locals that must populate the place on a Friday/Saturday. Also of note was the Mates branded condom machine in the gents and a nice young maiden working the bar. Across the road was Caspar (the friendly ghost, my arse). This was a shitty wine bar in a shop unit whose only bitter was very lively Beamish Red. A large karaoke machine filled one corner and locals the others. Downstairs was a grotty pool room with scattered chairs and some vile toilets which were worse than those that I had seen in Spain.

On the main road back to Ewell was the Rifleman, which was a crap locals’ pub with not much going for it apart from a jukebox showing Madonna's greatest hits on VH1. There was also Abbot and Greene King IPA, but yet again it wasn't very nice, though was pricey. No beer maidens behind the bar, though at least there were some scratchings. Next up was the Plough and Harrow, which looked quaint on the outside with green paint and brown tiles but on the inside was populated by youths, including an exceptionally fat one blocking the way to the toilet whilst she was on the fruit machine. The walls of this pub are covered with classic TV and music pictures - Blakey from On the Buses, John Thaw from The Sweeney (NOT Morse) and Frank Zappa to name but a few. Beer 'choice' was Greene King IPA or Young's Special, the latter had turned to vinegar and was absolutely dire.

A little further up was the snooker hall like 'Friends' and like the TV show is a bag of shite, though there was some Spitfire on draught which was pleasantly surprising for a place such as this. And there was a reasonable barmaid, but other than that, not a place where I'll be returning. Finally we managed to get some decent beer at the Kings Arms, a Young's pub with two bars which did Special and Bitter. Well, the beer was average anyway and there were a few barsnacks, but this was still a very average town Young's establishment. There are a lot in Kingston like this, eg the Spring Grove.

Leaving at 9.21 we managed to get the 9.22 406 bus to Ewell using our bus passes (thanks Ken!), and were dismayed to find that some fucker had turned the Jolly Wagonners into Yuppie flats, so to console ourselves, we went along the road to the Eight Bells instead, a traditional looking pub with flower baskets outside. The choice of beer was only IPA and Abbot, but the bar man assured us that there was a beer festival in the next couple of days. Again very average in many respects, but at least the crowd was a bit more varied. Some Morris dancers marked the Wheatsheaf, who we quickly ignored and stepped in for some beer. A better range this time – Webster’s Green Label, Young's Bitter and Adnams bitter, but it wasn't the best or cheapest, summing up this pub really which could do with a kick up the arse.

Time was marching on but we could slot some more in, so a stop was made at the Spring Hotel where they were having a music quiz, and where there were many serving maidens. Ales were Bass, London Pride and something which I haven't recorded, and in general, despite the young lager drinking crowd, it had a good atmosphere and would be worthy of a return. In Ewell village itself, the first of a trio of pubs was the King William IV. This had the air of a rather down-at-heel ex Firkin kind of pub, and had Adnams and Greene King IPA and not much else apart from an extensive range of peanuts and lots of wooden fixtures and fittings.

The best pub in Ewell is the Star, a slightly trendy but very honest place which does some excellent beers. When we were there, our options were Fursty Ferret, King and Barnes Sussex and a Badger beer. The bar snacks scored 2 out of 3 though I can't remember what was special but they must have been good, and the bar staff had a bit of Gothic about them. Oh yes, and there was live music so the atmosphere was good. Well worth a repeat visit.

Trying to be the worst pub in Ewell is the Famous Green Man which has gone right down the toilet. I don't think there is any proper beer on any more and the bar staff seem only intent on serving their mates - it's gone to pot really. After this debacle we decided to return to the Star for last orders then get the 293 to North Cheam, where Richard decided to pinch the bus driver's newspaper, though he was having none of it. All in all, apart from the Star, a disappointing set of pubs. Hopefully there's still some fine country days left yet!


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Dan Lovegrove
dan@doctor-lovegrove.com

Last updated 9th September 2003.