CHILTERN LINE PUB CRAWL MAY 28th 2005

A guest write-up by Mr Richard Bradshaw

Despite the official pub crawl for this year being moved to the next month, myself and Messrs Oliver and Sharr decided to do an all day pub crawl on the traditional Saturday anyway. The idea was to take advantage of the £15.00 return fare Chiltern railways do to stations up to Birmingham.

Meeting Mr Oliver at just before ten at Sutton station, a train to Victoria was shortly got on in order to get to Marylebone just before 11. Tickets were bought and food purchased for the journey. As the train journey arrived at our first destination, Warwick Parkway, at 1 o’clock we decided with our lunch to also have a can of lager for the journey.

The boarding of the 11.20 from Marylebone was delayed and as Matt was in WH Smiths debating a purchase of a Nelson Mandela biography at the time that the platform was announced, we nearly managed to miss out on getting a seat. However, being two people who managed to get a seat on the last train from Brighton when Fatboy Slim played and had 250,000 trying to get to the station, this was only a minor scare and after a quick jog to the front carriage two seats were taken and our journey commenced. For lunch Matt included a caramel slice whereas I went for a chocolate muffin. Whilst drinking the beer on the train conversation rambled as to how attractive Winnie Mandela is to using your elbow to give a woman some gratification physically.

Alighting at Warwick Parkway, we were faced with a field of sheep. Matt was so awe-struck at this that he nearly forgot his tracksuit and had to jump back on the train. Having grabbed it he managed to get off before it left. Warwick Parkway is in the middle of nowhere and operates a park & ride service to Warwick. However, after a seven-minute walk along the Old Burbridge Road we arrived at the village of Hampton Magna. Built on a barracks in the sixties, this had the first pub of the day, The Montgomery of Alamein. A fairly local estate pub, with a few old geezers dotted around, we devised the whip and planned. After finishing our halves, the fifty something landlady said ‘see you again lads!’. Unlikely we’ll be back in Hampton Magna but you never know!

We managed to get back to Warwick Parkway with time to spare before the 13.47 trundled in. Hopping on the front carriage we met Dr Sharr who was travelling from Birmingham and had arranged to meet us at this juncture. A very short journey to Warwick was had, and a short trip into town saw Adam go to a cashpoint and Matt look in another bookshop for his elusive search for Nelson. First pub here was the pleasant Roebuck. Among the punters was the first weirdo of the day, an old gent in a suit and bow tie drinking Guinness. Like most olde pubs this had a low ceiling but also had what looked to be a restaurant area at the back. Moving swiftly along, we then went to the Crown & Castle. Despite not being served by her, this had the first attractive barmaid of the day. Slim, dressed in black with long hair. A drawback to this place was the only non-premium lager was XXXX so rather randomly I had a Flowers, with Matt risking the lager and Ad continuing on the Strongbow. Here, we decided to keep to the schedule as far as was planned which allowed an hour in most places. Therefore we quickly adjourned to the Great Western pub which is nearest the station. Being the only customers I was slightly disappointed that Ad turned down the Westons on draught. Well, on draught from a wine box really. Various sporting photos were on the wall here, and we had to be swift with our drinks in order to have time to run up the hill to board our next train.

Onto Leamington Spa, and having perused the map and seeing a line that looked like a canal we had a longish walk to the Cricketers. Alas no water but a nice pub opposite bowling green. This had a piano in it with a sign saying ‘if you can play the piano you are welcome to play, if you cannot play the piano please do not touch’. As it was early in the day and I was still sober I decided I fall into the latter category. A walk towards the centre saw us arrive at a trendy place called The Avenue. Matt left to make a phone call here, The pub was OK and definitely kid friendly but lacking character. Heading back to the station we wisely avoided the dreadful looking Royal Exchange and kept to the schedule.

Banbury was next, with the first port of call being the Litten Tree at Adam's request. Probably as it was outside Banbury Fish Bar which had two doors, entrance and exit. I visited the lavatories in here and on my return to the others I saw we had changed seats. Reason being that Matt didn’t want to be near some nutty boys and as we were drinking halves, this could be a good move. It also explains why this place had two bouncers on the door at 4 o’clock. We retreated back to the Priory to catch the end of the Scottish Cup Final. Foolishly for Matt he decided to have a pint with me on Dundee United and despite hitting the bar in the last minute, he duly lost his pint. This pub was part of the Barracuda chain and instantly forgettable except for the fact Matt had a coke and was still unable to finish it.

The next train took us to Kings Sutton. This village had no station just a platform and a pathway to town. A woman was concerned at this and banged on the door of a nearby portacabin. ‘Do you know anything about trains?’ she enquires. ‘No!’ was the rather abrupt reply. Here our attempts to follow a rather attractive female in tight white jeans failed as she could walk much quicker than we could. Halfway up the hill having passed a pub called the ‘Three Tuns’ Matt decided to ask where the other two pubs of the area were as my mapping was slightly out. The lady he asked pointed us in the correct direction and when Matt tried to confirm the Three Tuns was the first one, she looked quite horrified saying that is the rough one. Despite her warning we were confronted with a very nice village pub complete with garden and pub dog. We assume the lady Matt asked doesn’t go round in Croydon much. This pub also had a very attractive barmaid although she couldn’t have been much more than twenty. Here the crawl nearly went wrong with the next pub being the Butchers Arms being shut. Further up the hill the White Horse was also shut. Looking at the back of this pub it didn’t re-open for another hour (6.30) which was no good to anyone as our train was at 6.15. Matt and Ad decided to sunbathe on the village green as I headed back to the Butchers to try to see an opening time. As luck would have it the pub was opening at that very moment and I called the others back from their sleep. This pub was OK but the landlord was obviously put out by the fact we were only drinking halves and also annoyed us by putting bloody Graham Norton on the TV at a loud volume. Ad was so upset by this he cheekily gave him a v-sign on departure.

Bicester was the next venue, and as we were getting hungry we visited the cheap as chips Wetherspoon’s called the Penny Black. Food was served in remarkable time and was remarkably edible. Better than expected. Turning down our 2nd Litten Tree of the day we ventured to the Hobgoblin. A good ale friendly place, we were denied the opportunity of hearing Shed Seven on the jukebox due to time restraints.

Onward then and only on the train did we decide to have twenty minutes in Princes Risborough. A brisk walk up hill took us to the Bird In Hand. This local pub had two inflatable cups with Arsenal written on them and reminded me slightly of the front bar of the Prince in Cheam. Drinking very swiftly we had another sprint down hill for our train. Chiltern Railways are very reliable but most trains seemed to get to their stations early and have a few minutes waiting. This did mean we did our fair share of running to get them.

High Wycombe was next for the evening part of the crawl. In the Antelope a faulty glass washer soaked us. Fortunately as it was hot we dried out in the garden here. This place had three young barmaids and was OK. Surprisingly the next stop was O’Neills, which at 8pm was heaving. Some very attractive lady customers, the pick being a blonde with knee length boots and a pierced tongue. This place was also showing the England game. After a few pleasing minutes here we moved across the road to the Glass House. Think this had some jazz on in the background and was again full of a youngish attractive crowd. Here Dr Sharr departed to get the last train back to Birmingham and an hour walk back to his girlfriend’s place. Matt and I on the other hand went to the Flint Cottage near the station. This was a slightly rough place but again had a young barmaid serving. However she would probably be into the more Burberry like blokes this place seemed to attract. Heading towards the platform we came in on we were horrified to see our train was on starting at High Wycombe meaning another sprint round various platforms. Stupidly despite being next to platform two we had to run the whole length of the train and a bit more due to a fence preventing you getting on that side. Luckily we made it with seconds to spare.

This train got to Gerrards Cross at twenty to eleven where our final beer was consumed in the Pack Horse. This was an Ember Inn place that is nearly identical to the Harrow in Cheam. I took my winning pint form Matt here (a Sleemans dark) where Matt had a Baileys. We took our time to reminisce on a successful day out and took look forward to the official one in Brighton. We left here to get the 23.14 back to London where a tube to Morden was got allowing us to get home at a semi-sensible time.

Rich.