58. CAMRA pubs of the Black Country by bus and tram, Saturday 14th February 2004

Dave and I decided to pay a visit to Ed 'Smiley' Lewis in Birmingham to critically evaluate the worth of a leaflet, put together by CAMRA and the West Midlands Municipal Public Transport Executive in back-slapping style, designed to get people out and about and sampling decent pubs by bus and tram. It was a splendid day. In order to make the most of it, we went up on the Friday evening, and got in the swing of things by having a few beers in the suburb of Harborne. Most of the pubs had been visited last time, but I shall recap here anyway. First of all, we visited the White Horse, a lively, Firkin-like pub with witty ditties painted on the wall. The choice of ales was good in number (Pedigree, Tetley, Adnams, Greene King IPA, Spitfire, Bombardier, Abbot, Thatcher's cider), but lacked anything really obscure. The Bombardier wasn't particularly nice, nor was the Adnams. Then it was time to go to the Green Man (Homme de Vert), a big trendy pub on the main drag. The bar was packed and they didn't have enough bar staff or bar stools so we didn't have an overly enjoyable stay. They did have Landlord on which was a pleasant surprise, along with Bass and Brew XI (yuk), but this also did not live up to expectations. I maintain that Landlord is the yardstick beer on which a pub's cellarmanship (or cellarpersonship for the PC brigade) should be measured. Finally, before going back for a few small single malts, we popped into the Plough, featured in the picture below, to see if the barmaid who I fancied when we paid our last visit here was serving. Alas she was not, but there were a couple of other wenches on. Despite their presence, the lack of ale could not bring us to stay.

The Plough, Harborne

Feeling chipper the next day, and armed with an A-Z and the leaflet, we made a prompt start at 11am by having a brisk walk northwards to Bearwood at which point we intercepted a number 9 bus which took us to Halesowen. The one day Bus/Metro pass is splendid value at £3.50, although it was disappointing that it was not on a card ticket but rather a flappy paper jobby. First pub of the day was the Wagon and Horses at Halesowen and we stood outside with a biker who looked like Noddy Holder waiting for the place to open at noon, and it allowed the opportunity to take a picture of Smiley outside the first watering hole. Inside we could not believe our eyes as this is what a pub is all about. The interior was somewhat spartan with a number of rooms filled with rickety chairs and tables. Some other eager drinkers, no doubt men from CAMRA, had followed us in and were keen to see the wares. Apart from a most extensive range of dry snacks such as crisps, pork scratchings and peanuts, the following beers were on at some point during our two-halves each stay:

  1. Old Hooky
  2. Oakham White Dwarf
  3. Nottingham Extra Pale Ale
  4. Holden's Golden Glow
  5. Daleside Pride of England
  6. Batham's
  7. Swillmore
  8. Frankton Scruffy Erbert
  9. Holden Sedgley Lifter
  10. Burton Bridge Top Dog
  11. Outlaw Simco
  12. Outlaw Silver Lining
  13. 2 x silly ciders
  14. One (perhaps Blackwater) marked on a pump with an orange post-it note as 'Warlock 5%'
Smiley outside the Wagon and Horses, Halesowen On the way to the Gents, Wagon and Horses, Halesowen

Unfortunately there was only a couple of beardy blokes - otherwise we would have had a ridiculous score on our hands. We decided to sit in a pink painted parlour a little away from the bar and watched as punters went backwards and forwards to experience new and interesting flavours. During our stay a number of beers became available, so we decided to have some more, and Smiley reported that the Top Dog stout was 'remarkable'. Our other beers, and a varied array they were too, were also by and large excellent, so full marks were given for quality, and coming in at under two quid a pint ensured that they got a good price mark. Other points to note in the pub are the outside toilets where one has to navigate past a yard full of barrels to get to the urinals, and a signed picture of Barbara Cartland in the pink parlour - apparently painted thus in her honour ('Barbara Cartland | Witch and hag | too much make-up | fascist bag' as Tony Slattery once said). Alas, we had to push on, but were very, very pleased indeed with the first stop of the day.

Inside the Wagon and Horses, Halesowen

After waiting a little while for a 248 bus, we sped to Netherton and alighted outside the Old Swan, a homebrew pub with a very pleasing cosy front parlour and some old people sitting having lunch in a foody bit. A floppy haired halfwit served us our beer. Once again the beer quality was excellent although there were only four beers on - Bumblehole, Dark Swan, Original and Old Swan Entire. The atmosphere wasn't quite as basic as the last place and it would be quite easy to stay for a day and sample their range, more than once to test for consistency.

Old Swan, Netherton

Another bus ride followed, to Dudley where we braved the shopping precinct and headed for the Full Moon, obviously a Wetherspoons establishment. The atmosphere was shite and it was a giant open plan cavern done in the now rather dated Wetherspoons moquette and tables etc. The beer range was not even that outstanding on this occasion - Pedigree, Banks Original, Oakham's Kaleidoscope (very chewy), Enville Ale (very nice), Tring Jack o' Legs and Hopback Summer Lightning. We eventually got served by a rather surly Stan Colymoor look-alike who really looked quite uninterested, and sat back to enjoy our beers, though their quality was actually not that great, juxtaposed between a table of incredibly stupid looking individuals and some people who might have once appeared in Motorhead. We left and in keeping with the Wetherspoons dined at McDonalds next door, woo-hoo.

Yet more use of our tickets ensued, on a 541 round some dodgy estate took us to Lower Gornal. The Fountain was once again a splendid pub, although the proper bar area was quite crowded so we had to go and sit in the back room, a bit like a barn and quite foody, though it was still pleasant enough. The Fountain boasts 9 real ales on and sure enough there were, and all pretty much stuff that we'd rarely or never seen before. I only recorded 7 because of the busyness of the bar, and they were: Hardy's Old Hearty, Burton Bridge Love Is, RCH Pitchfork, Archer's Cupid's Arrow, Everard's Tiger, Enville Ale, and Old Hooky. Again the beer was competitively priced and tasted good, though not outstanding. We liked the atmosphere and could have stayed for more. The snacks were also rather good, but also of note is the incomplete lid of the pan in the gents' which is photographed below.

Outside the Fountain, Lower Gornal Gents' Toilet, Fountain, Lower Gornal

Across the road was the Old Bull's Head which listed about 6 beers as being in the cellar although only three - Woods Get Knotted, Banks Original and Loddon Bloomin Eck - were on. Nonetheless it was worth a visit although it was a shame to see large numbers of youths smoking and drinking lager, they could have had some decent bitter instead. We decided to make quick work of our ales as some pissed West Brom fan was trying to converse with us. The pub's pleasant enough, quite a long front bar with a pool room in the back bar and the toilets are a bit of an expedition to find. Beer quality was actually quite good, and we noted that the proprieters had a picture of one of their kids on the wall, dressed up as a demon when it was a toddler, so perhaps they are into devil worship. We all agreed that in hindsight this visit might actually not have been necessary.

Armoured Car

Strolling up the hill, pausing to take a snap of the local riot patrol car, it was soon time to reward ourselves with some more beer at the Britannia in Upper Gornal. They only do two beers - Bathams Mild and Bitter - but they are of best quality and very cheap too. The main draw of this pub is the magnificent room at the back (there is also a front parlour) which looks very much as it would have done over a century ago, with magnificent green leather seats like those found in the House of Commons. It is recorded for posterity below. Also found in this room, and I presume that they use it at busy times, are a few pumps set into the wall, not behind a bar, where additional help can loiter and pull a couple more beers. The toilets were also noteworthy. In the grime above the urinal on the right, someone had traced with their finger 'Take the dog for a walk you cunt'.

Britannia, Upper Gornal Inside the Britannia, Upper Gornal

The Jolly Crispin is a gay sounding pub on the way to Sedgley which we hit at about 5pm. It's a very basic rustic looking pub with the bar facing into the back and front rooms and on our visit not staffed by anyone of notable attractiveness. Anyway, the beer made up for this, as it was absolutely superb, if not quite as cheap as those previously encountered on this expedition. The choice was broad:

  • Phoenix Thirsty Moon
  • Anglo Dutch Witterus Organic
  • Titanic Captain Smith Stout
  • John Eastwood Myrtle's Temper (7%, we did not have this)
  • Hampshire Not Tonight Josephine
  • Beowulf Wergild
  • Stonehenge Heelstone
  • Abbeydale Moonshine
  • Two daft ciders

Whilst in there we got chatting to some good old boy who was giving us tips for the rest of our day, some of which we followed. He also gave us a bus map which turned out to be invaluable. Again we would have liked to have stayed for another but time was pressing and we had more establishments to try. Once again, absolutely bloody marvellous.

Jolly Crispin

Some solids were called for and in answering this call we popped across the road to a chip shop where I got some very nice cod roe and chips. Consuming this, we headed towards the Beacon Hotel in Sedgley, due to open at 6pm. The Beacon Hotel is a very strange pub, but very good inside. The member of the bar staff is situated in a very small wooden cubicle with blurred glass windows and serves beer through a number of hatches into different bars. Thus it is quite difficult to see what is on but on our visit we had halves of Sarah Hughes Dark Ruby Mild which is 5% but exquisite. There were also options available for more Loddon Bloomin Eck, Warfield Wagonners and more Sarah Hughes products - Snowflake, Pale Amber and Surprise Bitter. It goes without saying that the quality was full marks and the price was damned good too. There also seemed to be some interesting bar snacks somewhere in the serving cabin. The decor is very traditional, though not quite as old fashioned as the Britannia and there are several rooms. Queues building up for service from the hatch can be a bit obstructive as they are found in the main thoroughfare, though we'll let them off on this one for having such a splendid pub. By 6.30, most of the seats had been occupied.

It was now time to make tracks to Bilston. We thought that there was going to be a problem with the bus but owing to our recently acquired bus map, we actually found that there was some hope. Sure enough a Dennis Dart arrived which the driver proceeded to thrash all the way round some backstreets, and the sound the bus was making were not that good, so I don't know whether it completed its return leg. Sooner than expected we were at Bilston bus station, looking for a pub nearby. Whilst gazing at the wall mounted transport literature, it was revealed that one of the buses calls at the 'Pie Factory', recorded in the photo below, which gave us great amusement.

Pie Factory stop on bus route diagram

Pulling ourselves away, we ambled into the middle of Bilston to find the Old White Rose. This pub was odd in that although their beer range was very good, it was lively and not filled with crusty old farts. There was an extensive carvery and lots of people on a day out were having enormous slap-up dinners. There were so many people at the bar that we had to park ourselves at the far end by the TV and some kids and watch the last part of Sunderland vs Birmingham unfold. Beer choices were:

  • J W Lees Moonraker
  • Goff's White Night
  • Enville Gothic Ale
  • Batemans XXXB
  • Greene King IPA
  • Abbot
  • Archers UXB
  • Pig's Ear
  • Hobgoblin
  • Old Speckled Hen
  • Archer's Golden
  • Caledonian 80/-

The layout of the bar was actually quite like Clarets in Cheam, if you know it, with the bar near the front and not too much circulation area around it. Dining space at the back. We briefly considered another half, but as time was progressing we thought better of it.

Another establishment owned by Wetherspoons was the Sir Henry Newbolt in Bilston. This must be quite a recent one as the decor is better and more stylish and minimalist. When we went in, the place was quite deserted, but filled up whilst we were in there. The beer selection was Courage, Spitfire, Pedigree, Banks and Taylor Dragon Slayer, Abbot, Cameron's Strongarm. We perched on some high stools and surveyed the rest of the pub. Some slappers were noted in the far corner and Ed commented that they were probably ovulating as they were wearing few clothes. This is a scientific fact apparently. Just before our departure a most bizarre creature walked in. We think that she was female but we were unsure what race or indeed planet she was from. Someone who looked like Muhammed Ali [in his present state] was accompanying her, and she was middle-aged, fat and had dyed hair. Some punters on an adjoining table started laughing as we started laughing uncontrollably at the pair of them (once they had gone down the other end). Finally, it was noted that even though the toilets were very modern and nice, the floor was wet, a recipe for disaster in a pub liable to fill up with pissed fools.

Fortunately normal service was resumed across the road in the Trumpet, a pub doing exclusively cheap Holden's ales, but with regular jazz nights. There was a band on when we went in and very good they were, though they did seem to fill up half the pub and make egress to the toilet difficult. We enjoyed our beers at the bar, and very nice they were too, with the choice of Sedgley Lifter, Mild, Special, Bitter and Golden Glow. A much more realistic honest pub than the Wetherspoons. The landlord of the Trumpet must have been into his music as there were 20 odd year old concert tickets stuck onto the bar - many favorites like Slade, Black Sabbath, Metallica and Judas Priest. Splendid.

It was now time to catch a tram, and after a longer wait than expected where ad hoc toilet facilities were created, we whisked to West Bromwich. The tram was quite nice, and a cheery conductor greeted us. At West Bromwich, the crawl deteriorated somewhat. The first supposed pub was the Old Hop Pole which I think has changed hands since the CAMRA recommendation was written. We had moderate halves of either Bombardier/Badger Best/Bank's Original, but the place was packed with punters enjoying some sort of R&B event. We drank up quickly and left, over the road to the Wheatsheaf, another unwelcoming and not particularly nice establishment. We sat in a back room which was a bit like a hotel dining room, because the rest of the rather average looking interior was full. Holden's beers were again the choice (Golden Glow, Special, Mild, Bitter, Sedgley Lifter) but they were not as tasty or as cheap as the Trumpet.

With time running out, we did hit one last reasonable pub - The Old Crown down some backstreet. This pub does good curries - there was an Indian chef milling around - but alas we had no time for this, only for the beer. Only three were on - Enville, Old Speckled Hen and Archer's Cupid's Arrow - but they were very good and quite cheap. The atmosphere of the pub was very good, being welcoming and cosy, and quite like a plush front room. I would not have minded staying for longer. But we had to move on to our last stop, the Billiard Hall, yet another Wetherspoons, this one of the more trendy, spartan chrome minimalist interior. We were all feeling quite tired by this point, so didn't make many notes, but I believe that it was quite average inside and there were only 2 beers on - Cottage Sporting Whippet and Hopback Summer Lightning. At least though they were cheap and good quality.

Midland Metro, Birmingham Snow Hill

We made our way back to Birmingham, thence Harborne, by tram and bus. All in all it had been a successful trip, and certainly the best for beer.

Postscript: On this crawl an accurate record of piss stops was made. It is intended to report this research to the Journal of Urology or Piss International. During our crawl, we all consumed about the same amount of liquid, yet our piss tally was quite varied. I went 15 times, Dave 7 and Ed 4. How do you account for that??


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Dan Lovegrove
dan@doctor-lovegrove.com

Last updated
22nd February 2004.