Reprising one of our traditions of the early 2000s, Richard Bradshaw and I decided to go for a pub crawl in those dead days between Christmas and New Year in South London but, unlike when we were in our 20s and drank at any old shithole in Colliers Wood, we went slightly upmarket to visit Barnes and Mortlake instead. A train from Sutton was caught which propelled us via Clapham Junction to Mortlake and our first pub, the Ship.

Although Taylor Walker have a large number of shit pubs in their portfolio, even though the Ship shows a lot of rugby, it is actually quite good because of its riverside location and there were four beers on including London Pride and Otter in the comfortable L-shaped bar. On our way back, Richard regaled me with stories of some early 80s variety show that he had seen on the television where Jim Davidson had been advertised to appear but because not a lot of what he said back then now meets with general approval, he had largely been glossed over.

The Jolly Gardeners was very much a trip back to those times, on the main road and nestled next to the Watney's brewery it had a comfortable if dated interior and was extremely quiet. One could have heard a pin drop as we sank our halved of Young's beer, bitter and special most predictably. Further Young's beers, four of them this time, were enjoyed at the Pig and Whistle which was a far more lively pub on the other side of the railway line. This was a splendidly plush and carpeted place which was also quite lively. It reminded me of the sort of place that one might find in the affluent fringes of London, e.g. Epping or Weybridge, where lager drinking 20 year olds would take their girlfriends for a civilised Bacardi breezer and a sensible night out when they could not quite bring themselves to go to somewhere that had more choice including noisy pubs. Fine for our purposes, although as I remember the barmaid made a pig's ear out of pouring the bitter, presumably due to unfamiliarity with such requests.

One could even have construed that the Hare and Hounds on the main road might be one such pub, for it had an uneasy mix of DJ booth and antiquated serving area. The dominant trait however is food and there are several rooms, all with tables that one might eat food at, and a selection of missmatched wooden chairs. Pleasant enough and with four beers, OK for settling into, as long as the DJ does not start. A short bus ride followed to Barnes and the Halfway House down a side road. It was a very locals' orientated pub with a party of some sort going on and hidden toilets, so we did not fit in particularly well and stood at the end of the bar to finish our beer quickly. They did at least have some variety with four on so worth revisiting.

There are a number of backstreet pubs in Barnes and heading deeper into the sprawling metropolis we found the Brown Dog. It appear that gastro has even hit this area, and as predicted the pub had lamb shank served on those bowl-plate hybrid type things to diners at bare tables set with wine glasses. Although wine was in abundance, they did at least have the decency to retain two beers. These were Truman and Hackney offerings, quite predictable in a gastro pub. Despite my disparaging remarks it's actually pretty decent and a good place to settle into if you can get a drinking table.

The highly interesting Idle Hour was closed so we pushed onto the Sun Inn around the pond. This was a sprawling, foody pub with plenty of people dining, but it was also quite rustic and there were enough corners and leaning posts to make it acceptable to those requiring only liquids. As one might expect they invite you to lounge around on a Sunday and have a roast, some red wine and play some board games. That sort of pub, very middle class. Nice though and with 4 beers and good bottles worth a visit.

A pub that I found far preferable on many levels however was the Coach and Horses just up the road. This was better because (1) it had 5 Young's beers (2) there was less food (3) there were outside toilets (4) there were a couple of old bastards'chairs to sit upon. That encompasses it in a nutshell really. A short walk under the railway bridge brought us to the White Hart, a sprawling Young's pub with a riverside setting though it was pitch black outside and could have been anywhere. There was a very large oval bar on the ground floor plus some rooms upstairs, as well as the toilets, which would have been a bugger to reach had it been busy. More Young's beer too, though pitched at the lager crowd, and there were several craft beers plus some foody areas that we kept well away from.

Time for the train back and a quick walk back to the station whence British Railways conveyed us seamlessly with one change to Sutton and the opportunity for just one more, at the Sutton Arms. A reasonable if nondescript pub on the High Street with a couple of beers and pleasant enough surroundings.